A letter for you

Hal,



For almost five weeks, yesterday was the first time we were in the same room, not to mention we bumped into each other more than twice. I admit, I froze and as a matter of fact I was still in awe until I left the office. I do have a confession to make. The thought of seeing you again has been hanging over my head, ugh. I’ve been trying to picture what would be the best scenario that can happen if we see each other. Of course none of my ideas came to reality yesterday.

I now realize that it wouldn’t be you to wave at me first or to nod or even say hi. No judgment but I just thought that’s not your kind of thing. It was really more of my thing. And yes, I should have acted maturely and at least said hi to you. I wanted to know how you were doing. I wanted to hear you are doing great and having a fabulous time. I was somehow hoping to get that feel of exuding happiness from you.

Okay, I’ll let all my guards down right here, right now. I mean after all, what’s the point of still keeping something from you anyway? You know from the very start I’ve been very open of what I think and feel towards you, us, and our situation. I guess it really wouldn’t make much of a difference now. So there goes my disclaimer. Jeez, my thoughts are all over the place! I’ll just go with the flow here.

There have been so many times that I looked up your name on my cellphone soooooo tempted to call you or just send you an sms. Buy hey, I’ve been able to keep a good job in my self-restrictions you know hehehe. I feel that there’s just so many things that I want to tell you. Surprisingly, I am not expecting that there’s still something left out from your letter that you have to tell me. When I read your letter, I never shed a single tear. I thought I was brave. I thought it was a good sign that I’d be able to move on rather quickly and forget about you… until yesterday. I was wrong. It all dawned at me that the feelings have not in any way been gone at all. It may have just been my ego that said “you were just someone I used to love”. When I got home, I didn’t want to reach the point that I had to sleep or be alone but I had to. That moment, I cried. I cried not really knowing the reasons why. It just felt like there was a huge pile of block on my chest. There were questions that I’m not sure I want answered. There were thoughts and hopes that things will get better. But who the hell knows what’s gonna happen?

I want to ask you if we can at least be friends, though we were really never friends before so… I’m not even sure if that is a good idea, at least for now. If we become friends, for sure I’d have to deal with the fact that I cannot hold on to any possibility of us getting back together again. Of course this is my problem, not yours. Question is, can I handle that? I think I could answer my own question now. Part of me is still hoping that there could still be a chance for us this time around. I’m torn between my promise of not easily giving you up and what should be the ideal decision – letting go completely. It took a great deal of courage for you to come to terms with what you really feel towards me and our situation when you wrote that letter. Doing it in person might have been too much for you to handle. But really, I appreciate your honesty. I don’t want to argue with you and what you wrote because those are your thoughts. You actually made your point pretty clear on that letter and I’m not sure if you would have been able to do just the same if you were telling me everything in person (that is, while witnessing how my heart breaks while I cry buckets of tears maybe).

A good friend of mine once told me how come I still have feelings for you. He was telling me it might help to think of the not-so-good things you’ve done to me or the things about you that tick me off. Thing is, all those were part of the reason why I loved you, why I still do. It wasn’t just all about the good stuff about our relationship or your good side that I have accepted and loved. It also included what you were not able to do or say, it didn’t matter how many times I had to say okay if we can’t see each other, or the things about you that made me angry. After all, these defined you… the ‘you’ that I’ve learned to love. Tell me, should I just let go of my promise to you? You never really asked me to stop loving you. You never asked me to undo everything. And even if you did, I’d probably still go the other way.