WANTED

I’ve been asked soooooo many times if I have a neon sign that says “WANTED: complicated relationship material” or I posses some magnetic force inside that attracts people with convoluted or twisted (views on) relationships. Guess what, the worse part is – I’m usually drawn to them! And to make it all eff’d up, I’d usually find myself drowning already without knowing if I could still get our of that mess.

Without sounding such a wretched charity case here, I get to foresee the not so good things that could happen even before they do. Seriously! The predicament always lies between which “reality” should I go for. I know, I know… the fact that I can (almost ALL the time) build a roadmap in my head of all possibilities, from the most trivial to the unthinkable extremes, I still end up with the not so wise choices. Talk about monumental disappointment and epic fail huh!

Being the control freak that I am, I still get some surprises every once in a while. It makes it somehow intellectually insulting that something slipped through the cracks!

… all these bring me to a few points. What should be my full proof basis to make a decision? Up to what extent should I just let myself hold on to a yet subdued hope of being happy? Where shall I stand in the saying ‘no pain, no gain’? What should be my calculated risk factors? Where do I draw the line between being hopeful and realistic? Between expectations and assumptions?

I’ve always wondered if indeed everybody has at least one part of their life that’s empty. I mean for someone who has accomplished most life goals – good education, skyrocketing career, breathtaking travels, fabulous friends, loving family, and some other finer things in life – what else could one ask for? You’re right! There’s one part of the equation that seems to be missing – having that significant other to share all these things with. To some people, the above mix is actually quite pretty good and as a matter of fact a milestone to some. Not too shabby if I may say. But then again you’d meet people who would (probably) rather trade a thing or two for that seemingly slick hit from cupid. There are those who’d simply like a buffet treat for themselves! And truth be told, there are those who just don’t care!

To the hopeless romantic type (for a lack of a better term), having to deal with the “doesn’t care” type is just like rubbing salt to a wound. Oh btw, they also come in other similar forms such as “I don’t know yet” or “I’m not sure” varieties. In this situation, you’d wish that no distraction comes along the way and time becomes your best friend. Do you wait? For how long? Do you take that as a challenge to your probably hurting ego? Or do you just simply shut the door and move on? I think we all know what the IDEAL answer should be. Problem is, you don’t take it, hence going back to that cycle of making terrible choices amidst knowing the most prudent options! Your projected best self still looks perfect and composed from the outside but feeling absolutely awful on the inside. Snaps to you!

Then you take a moment to yet again attempt to become rationale about it. If I take the road less traveled, am I strong enough to take the fall? Or maybe, just maybe, there’s someone else out there waiting and willing to embrace every bit of me, even the torn pieces. Lo and behold, there is! I’m sure there is someone out there, maybe someone who has been right there all along. You just don’t look hard enough.