Too Dark for a Black Saturday

15 April 2006
Black Saturday

It has been a week full of agony and misery. I try to pause and look back, what have I done? Why do these things happen? All the while I thought I could be as happy as I imagined… amidst all the troubles inside my world because I have you with me. It hurts to see you in pain… losing your belief in yourself and your confidence. But what pains me more is seeing you get so consumed with the harsh reality of life – what just happened to you. I’d like to think that at the end of the day, it will ultimately be up to you to bounce-back and pull yourself together. Sure you need time to be alone, to think things over, to reflect even… so you can face the world again, so you can continue to live and to love. No matter how rough times get, these challenges are telling us to be on our toes and continue the fight. Easier said than done – I know – but the work doesn’t end there especially when there’s someone sharing the world with you.

I’d still like to believe that I’m sharing that real with you. I know neither of us wanted things to be this way. I’d like to face each and every obstacle head-on but I can’t do this alone. The love that I selflessly committed to you cannot simply withstand the rain all by itself. I professed my love for you believing that we started sharing our lives together – our dreams and even our fears. But where are you now? Each day I try to get the much needed strength to survive and carry on with the next. Hoping to finally find you there – to work things out and make everything all right. I don’t know for how long I’ll keep on believing… I’ll keep on hoping… that anytime soon, things will be back the way they used to be.

I really can’t believe where I can get the will to continue to hold on to our love. I don’t want to think that I may have given so much – so much so it hurts a lot. I also don’t want to think that I may have not been the person lately you wanted to love. A lot of things are running through my head now but I simply won’t give up on this until I hear it from you.

Do we really have to go through all these? It wasn’t too long ago when we started things so happily. We said we’ll stay together no matter how difficult things might get, no matter what other people say.

As I burst into tears, I’m thinking of the chances we’ve been missing to clear things out. I wish it was simpler. I wish it was easier. I really feel sorry that we have to deal with all these. If I could only make things easier for you…

Never have I been so willing and eager to work thing out like this to the one I love. I guess in loving you came along the commitment that I’ve feared and avoided for the longest time. With you I felt free, became willing to take bigger risks in life and take chances. I know things are not always certain but with you I feel like I can conquer anything just as long as you hold my hand.

I don’t want to think that I’m starting to be alone in this journey that we started together. Please shed some light in this wilderness I’m in. It’s difficult already as it is but things seem to be more complicated since I don’t hear from you. Please let me know if everything is still worth fighting for…